Chinese Democracy

Of all the Guns 'N Roses stories, the "Rocket Queen" one is my favorite. When "Appetite For Destruction" was recorded, the moaning sounds on the album's closer (which might be my favorite G'N'R song), were captured while Adriana Smith, a 19-year-old stripper who had been dating drummer Steven Adler, was actually getting nailed by Axl Rose in the studio.

Ah, Guns 'N Roses. Where have you been all these years? The punchline of course is that Adriana Smith is now a 40-year-old mom.

We're are now a mere five days from the release of "Chinese Democracy" — and what better day to release an album people have been awaiting for FIFTEEN YEARS than the Sunday before Thanksgiving?

The first time I heard Appetite, I was 13 years old and absolutely scandalized. One day your listening to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" and then next thing you know... I see your sister in her Sunday dress -- It's so easy, easy -- Oh Yeeaa -- So mutha fuckin Easy. Oh Child. Yeeaaeeaaeeaaeeaa.

That shit blew my mind. I used to replay the "Why don't you just... FUCK OFF" part 500 times a day. That was just about the greatest thing ever. And remember that controversial — and unlike most things that were controversial in the eighties, it's still pretty controversial — painting of the robot and naked lady? That got the album banned from my record store at the mall.

I mean, just imagine how much it must have fried my 13-year-old, mulleted, momma's boy brain to hear shit like get nothing for nothing -- 'cause that's what you do -- turn around bitch --I got a use for you. Heavens to Betsy. This was definitely an album you had to hide from your youth minister.

By the time the "Use Your Illusion" albums came out, I was almost 17 and therefore tons more mature. As much as I enjoyed those records, they were short-lived; it wouldn't be long until I finally discovered Soundgarden, Nirvana, Pearl Jam and after that, everything was different. Actually those "Illusion" albums actually hold up better than I remembered. They still should be cut down to just one album, though.

Anyway, in less than a week, the album will be out. The early reviews are positive, but at this point, does it matter? The success is that it's here at all. Axl is the same age as Tom Cruise, Doug Flutie, and Emilio Estevez, so really, how fucking cool can it be? This album is here just so the rest of us can move on with our lives.

That said, I absolutely cannot fucking wait to listen to this album.

My favorite tshirts

I own at least 200 tshirts. I love tshirts. I hate collars and buttons and tucking shit in, so obviously the tshirt is my favorite item of apparel, along with pants. I was recently instructed to "clean out my ratnest" of tshirts and was forced to make some difficult decisions about what to keep and what to donate to the AMVETs. I created a ranking system for my tshirts using the following criteria:

Fit: Somehow, in the last 9 years, a large number of my shirts have shrunk around the stomach area. I can't explain it. If it doesn't fit anymore, it's gone.

Currency: Some shirts seem like a good idea when you buy them, then you realize you're getting a little old to be wearing a Blink-182 tshirt.

Wearability: If I find myself saying "wow, I haven't worn that in 7 years", you know it's time to say goodbye.

After applying my criteria, I then ranked my favorite shirts and came up with the following top 10:

10) Black Huntington Surf and Sport with gang writing on it. Everyone loves some good gang writing on a shirt. I've always like this one because I can wear it with or without a longsleeve underneath. Bought it in 2005 on a drinking trip back home with Scott while we waited for a table at Supermex next door.

9) Cape Fear Wildcats logo T. The Cape Fear Wildcats were my favorite Arena2 league team. Based out of Fayetteville, NC, they played 4 seasons before folding. I got the tshirt from one of those tshirt launching machines at a game the Wildcats lost 79-58, but I also caught a football during that game.

8) Blue pocket T, the Gap. I got this shirt in 2001. It never shrank, it's long enough, and it's faded to a nice shade of magenta.

7) Ranger T shirt. Bought it when I graduated Ranger School in 2000. Too bad I lost 49 lbs in ranger school because the shirt is about 2 sizes too small, but I will never throw it out. Some day I'll weigh 191 again.

6) I lie to girls shirt. My wife made me get rid of this shirt, but man was it sweet while I had it.

5) WRV logo T. I bought this shirt at WRV in the Outer Banks, NC, on leave with my wife the week after I got home from Afghanistan the first time.

4) Mongols BBQ T. Mongolian BBQ in Westwood is probably the best place on earth to eat. I spent at least $1000 there in college. My friends knew how much it meant to me and three of them all bought me three seperate Mongols tshirts, so I have enough for life.

3) Moon eyes Iron Cross shirt. I bought this shirt in 2003 when I was going through a garage-fashion period. It's red (the only red thing I own), has a big iron cross on it, and was made in Vernon, CA, my favorite industrial city other than Irwindale.

2) Rooke Cycles shirt. I bought this online after watching biker build off on Discovery. I've never ridden a motorcycle, never will, but I will still fake the funk by wearing this shirt.

1) Tony's Pizza delivery shirt. I bought this shirt when Tony's started making limited edition tshirts. It always reminds me of home, I've taken it to Afghanistan twice and Iraq once.

Happy Vets day/Why I didn't vote

Hang out your flags, commies, and thank a vet. Tomorrow is Veterans Day. You're not thanking him for some bullshit like defending our way of life or shit like that, you're thanking him for deciding to become part of the greatest diplomacy tool ever invented, the US Military, which has enabled you to enjoy life as an American.

Over the last few weeks I've been asked many variations of the question "who are you going to/did you vote for?". I always respond with "that's personal", which is my way of saying that, for the 4th consecutive presidential election (Clinton II, Bush I, Bush II, current) and 15th consecutive normal election (1993-present), I didn't vote. I registered to vote, got my absentee ballot, but never filled it out or sent it in.

Here's why:

1) Like my man Holden Caulfield, I hate liars and phonies. Every presidential hopeful dating back to Chester Arthur is a huge liar. They decide what will appeal to the most people, then change who they are to get those votes. Then we act surprised when they fail to follow through on campaign promises. We (the masses) are retarded. Remember John McCain when he was the only republican who was pro-choice? I do. It was 1996. Too bad that didn't appeal to most conservatives.

2) As a guy who's filled out an absentee ballot for the last 9 years, I know my vote will only count if the race is close enough to warrant the opening of the absentee ballots. Otherwise they're just tossed out. Thanks for making me feel like part of the system, California. What if I used that approach when I pay my state taxes? Tell you what, Governor, I'll send you my state taxes when I see if they're actually needed or not.

3) I refuse to get emotional about a candidate. Every election I'm amazed that these candidates can convince tens of thousands of people to dance around and cry if they are elected or not. I know a few things: One day I'm gonna die, I will always have to pay taxes, prices on everything will go up every year for the rest of my life. Nobody is going to change that, no matter who he/she is, so just stop please.

4) Not one candidate has ever motivated me. Not one. They're all too old to connect with me. None of them admit to any issues in their past--Obama and McCain are not altar boys, but we'll never find out about their mistakes. I think the last candidate I would have gotten off my ass and voted for would have been William T. Sherman, but he never ran and I hadn't been born yet. Maybe Kennedy, but I think he was too shady.

So call me a loser, make fun of me for not participating in the democratic process, tell me I have no right to complain, I don't give a shit. I don't complain anyway. Until we get Tom Selleck on a ballot, I'll continue to not mail in my absentee ballot.

Much appreciated

I realized that once I no longer liked wearing flip-flops 110% of the time, that I would have to find the next best thing…. And as with everything is when you get older, you look back into your past (or into your grandfathers closet) and pull something good out.

Here you go buddy. The collection (obviously the middle ones are my crown jewel of the collection).

Joel, I'd thought you'd appreciate these.


i've officially turned into my father.

Fallout

Fallout 3 finally came out today, so I might be underground for a while. Literally.

I’m not racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA.

I am a registered Republican. I once voted for Ross Perot, but even in elections where I don't know the candidates, I usually vote Republican. Or sometimes for the guy with an Irish sounding last name.

However this year, I’m voting for Barack Obama. In fact, I even gave his campaign ten dollars. And let me tell you why.

1) My biggest argument for being Republican has always been that I like small government. Less government, more individual freedoms, right? Well Bush has fucking tripled the size of this government. In fact, I think every President expands the government. Its not even a Presidential issue. The government just grows every year, period.

2) I don’t think either party should have a monopoly over the Supreme Court.

3) I don’t think you should pick your Vice President just to add a “spark” to your campaign. I want you to pick someone who CAN FUCKING RUN THIS COUNTRY IN CASE YOU DIE.

Ok sure, I like Obama. I think he’s a great leader and all that shit. But fuck all that for a moment. There’s another reason I want to vote for Obama, and it is this:

Voting for Barack Obama gives me, a white person, a new and refreshing way to let people know that I am NOT a racist. Up until now, if I say made a bad ethnic joke, the only way we’ve had to counter any accusations of racism has been, “Hey, I’ve got black friends.”

First of all, this excuse has been beaten into the ground by too many white people (such as me) over the years. No one buys it anymore, and rightfully so. Second of all, I haven’t seen my one black friend in over a year. The darkest friend I have after that is Ryan Welker, and I only say he’s dark because he wears lots of black clothes. The rest of my friends are whiter than a blank Word document.

So as a white guy, if I want to deflect any and all racial criticism, I’m gonna need something better. How racist can I be if I actively contributed to and voted for a silky smooth black man to be leader of the free world? Answer: NOT RACIST AT ALL!

Did I complain about that fat black woman who was walking too slowly down the sidewalk, whom I could not get around? Sure did. But I’m not racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA, GOD DAMMIT. Do I know every line of “Blazing Saddles” by heart? Oh, yeah. But I’m not racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA. Does my sphincter tighten if I’m alone in a parking garage late at night and I see a black man approaching? Possibly. But I’m not racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA. Do I think that Pacman Jones may be legally retarded? Good God, yes. But I’m not racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA.

You see? With one pull of the lever, I’ve got a whole new excuse for all my minor prejudices and subconscious anxieties towards people who are different from me. And that buys me another decade or so to avoid confronting and trying to fix all those pesky inner flaws. Oh, the sweet taste of freedom!

I’m also hoping this vote gives me an opportunity to broaden my ethnic joke repertoire. We’re about to enter a whole new world of acceptable ethnic humor, which I think will help unify us all. Can we make it happen? YES WE CAN!

Your Handy California State Measures Voting Guide

1A – SAFE, RELIABLE HIGH-SPEED PASSENGER TRAIN BOND.
So we get a bullet train? My Vote: Fuck yea.

2 – STANDARDS FOR CONFINING FARM ANIMALS.
"Requires farm animals be allowed, for the majority of every day, to fully extend their limbs or wings, lie down, stand up and turn around." My Vote: Sweet Jesus, Yes.

5 – NONVIOLENT DRUG OFFENSES.
"Limits courts authority to incarcerate offenders who commit certain drug crimes." Now this is a great idea! No reason to throw the book at some one because they got caught with a joint in their pocket. But god dammit, why does it have to cost ONE FUCKING BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR? My Vote: No.

7 – RENEWABLE ENERGY GENERATION.
“Requires government owned utilities to generate 20% of their electricity from renewable energy by 2010.” Again, I'm not sure why this costs money instead of saves money, but it does. $3.4 million annually. My Vote: No.

8 – ELIMINATES RIGHT OF SAME-SEX COUPLES TO MARRY.
A lot of controversy surrounding this one. All I know is, since gay marriages were legalized in California, my marriage hasn't changed one bit. Its just as sacred as it was before. And I really don't need anyone to defend or protect my marriage from anything, except maybe myself. So let me simplify this one for you: If YOU were gay, how would you vote? There's your answer. My Vote: No.

So long Denis Savard

Denis Savard was fired by the Chicago Blackhawks yesterday. As their head coach he brought them back from one of the worst runs in their history. As a player, he's one of their top three goal scorers and points scored leaders.

The real reason I remember him was because with Kirk Muller and Vincent Damphousse he had the most kickass scoring line on NHL 93 with the Montreal Canadiens. And I pretty much spent all of 1994 playing NHL 93 14 hours a day while drinking 40s and not paying my electric bill. There was one time in my apartment when my power was shut off because I didn't pay the bill, so I ran an extension cord from the hallway outlet into my apartment so I could continue to play NHL 93. 1993-1994 was a dark time in my life, but man, did Denis Savard make it sweet in 30 minute increments between the Dominos guy and gravity bong rips.

¡ Take Your Whippings Like Men, Dojers !

So, Dojers, you are not feeling so good, eh? You do not like to be losings? Well now is not the time to be acting like little crybaby womens. El Guapo thinks you should be happy you got to the NLCS to begin with, yes? Manny Ramirez could not do it all for you. No one man can carry an entire team, not unless you shoot the other team first. And I would know! I done this many times!

Tell me somethings, Dojers, why do you say fuck you to Joe Torre, eh? You thinks you gets to the big game with Grady Little? This make no sense to El Guapo. If you are tired of losings, go back to the cantina, eh Hefe? Do not cry like little babies. And thees goes for your newspaper writers and fans as well! ITS NOT JOE TORRE'S FAULT. THIS PHILLIES WE'RE A BETTER TEAM.

Here in Santa Poco, we have a sayings. The sayings go, “Do not point a gun at me and then get upset when I shoots you before you can pulls the trigger.” We have a plethora of sayings like that one, but they all mean the same thing. They means to take your whippings like men. So if El Guapo upsets you by rapings your horses and ridings off on your womens, do not be upsets with me. Be upsets with yourself for beings a little woman.

Come now, Hefe. Take me to my piñatas! Oh, and Dojers, please resign Manny for 4 years.

It Was 20 Years Ago Today...

October 15, 1988

Go Dojers.

Solutions

Media: Mr Noonan, what are your feelings on child obesity, and what will you do to help solve the problem if you are elected?

DN: Well, glad you asked that Jim. Here's the short answer: Put all the fat kids in a boat and send them to China. The long answer is this: fat parents make fat kids. Starting immediately upon my election, every fast food restaurant will be required to have scales. There will be a height/weight chart right there. If you are not in accordance with the height/weight standard, you will be put on a boat, sent to the middle of the Pacific, and sunk. You gotta send a strong message people. I guarantee that within 4 months we'll have a skinnier nation with my plan.

Media: Mr Noonan, what's your tax plan?

DN: It's real fucking simple. Everyone pays the same percentage. This is called a flat tax. Everyone pays, say, 10% of their annual pay. People with legitimate kids get a tax credit. Illegitimate kids, tough shit. Nobody else gets a credit. If you try and get around the tax laws by shammery or ballyhoo, you will have your assets confiscated and will go to debtors prison where you can work off your tax delinquency by making big rocks into small rocks. You get paid 10$ a day, so plan on some time there if you try to steal a couple million. I anticipate a lot of people in debtors prison initially, so we're going to turn Alaska into one big prison like the brits did with Australia. Long term, the effects will be awesome. Short term, there will be a lot of cold criminals.

Media: How will you prop up the economy?

DN: No more printing of money for 1 year. Then I'll tear up all the highways. Everyone will have to take the train or ride a bike for a year. We'll get skinnier, spend less, everyone wins. Then I'll approve a trillion dollar renovation of the highways and we'll rebuild them. Think of it as the old new deal. I never said I was original.

Media: What about illegal immigration?

DN: Easy. You break into my country, I treat you like the criminal you are. There are legal ways of entering the US. Do it or you will be rounded up and shot. We'll also restrict who gets in from now on. America is no longer the recipient of your tired, your hungry, and your poor. Send us your best or we'll send their asses right back. We've got enough fucking cab drivers and garbage collectors.

Media: That sounds an awful lot like the Nazis and the Gestapo, Mr Noonan.

DN: What's your name again?

Media: If elected, there is talk that you will move the nation's capital from DC to Samoa. Can you elaborate?

DN: Yes, I'll move the capital to American Samoa. They don't get enough love out there. Plus, DC is so corrupt with the established PACs and lobbyists it would totally fuck them up if they had to actually go somewhere else. So we're going to American Samoa. I love Samoans. And I'll move the capital every time the shitbirds catch up. I think after Samoa we'll go to Utah.

Media: What's your take on defense spending?

DN: Simple. We're the best because we have the best, scariest Army. We will triple defense spending by cutting welfare and getting rid of the Marine Corps. Nobody likes the Marines and they are a half assed version of the Army anyway. And fuck the Coast Guard. That alone saves billions. I'd like to end this press conference by quoting my good friend Dennis Green "You want to crown them, then crown they asses. But they are who thought they were. And we let em off the goddamn hook. So crown they asses." America kicks ass.

Top 5 things that are almost as manly as a baseball fight

In honor of last nights bench clearing in the third.

5. Hair pulling

4. Matt Cassel standing in against a pass rush

3. Scrapbooking

2. Taunting penalties

1. Squib kicks

Wow This Chick I’m Debating Has Great Cans

Good evening. Welcome to the Vice Presidential debate between myself and Governor Palin . I think a lotta you out there are underestimating the Governor from Alaska. This lady didn’t get into elected office by being some lightweight. Tonight will be a hard fought contest between myself and WOW THIS CHICK I’M DEBATING HAS GREAT CANS!

Oh, did I just say that out loud? Excuse me. As you know, I have a reputation for independent thinking.

That is to say, she’s a pretty good looking broad. I mean, she's no Heidi Klum. But when you spend all day on Capitol Hill staring at Nancy Pelosi's empty trash bag tits like I do, this little Palin number looks pretty good!

Oh, I just did it again. My apologies. I’ve been going through some training lately to curb my habit of saying the first thing off the top of my head. Obviously, it’s gonna take some work. What I meant to say was that the governor is an attractive woman. Very attractive. Hugely bangable. Back in Scranton, we used call chicks like her MILFs, Mothers I'd like to fuck. HA! Get it? Huh, huh?

Anyone here mind if I take my jacket off? Sometimes the ol’ pits get a little damp. Speaking of damp, my ass is sweating like a rain forest right now.

Anyway, I think this debate tonight is gonna be a great chance for the people of America to see just how stark the differences are between my philosophy and Governor Palin’s. Governor Palin supports tax cuts for rich people. I think we need to give the middle class a break. Governor Palin thinks the Iraq War was ordained by God. I think it was a made by a corrupt administration. Also, I sometimes like putting on a dog collar when I masturbate. I dunno if the Governor does that. But if she did, that would be incredibly hot.

A lot of you people out there are hurting right now. You see America? I get it. Obama and I get it. The rising gas prices, and falling home values, your fantasy football teams losing Tom Brady, the fact that the Chinamen are taking your jobs. I get it. Those Chinamen are totally sneaky. They eat birds feet too.

I know how it is for everyday folks. You sit around your kitchen table at night, and you talk with your wife about how you’re gonna pay the bills. And then your wife says, “Well, maybe we don’t need DirecTV.” And then you say, “Fuck that. That DirecTV is my only hope of drowning you out, lady.” And then she says, “Fuck you! Why don’t you help me out more with the kid!” And then you go down to McMurphy’s and drink all day.

I know how that feels. I really do.

My fellow Americans, this is the most important election you’ve ever voted in. Its critical that you understand the fundamental differences between the Governor and myself, and just what Barack Obama and I stand for. We stand for jobs. We stand for providing health care. We stand for alternative energy. We stand for miles upon miles of governmental bureaucracy. We stand for… SWEET JESUS, I JUST WANT TO TEAR THE BLOUSE OFF THIS CHICK AND SMEAR HONEY ALL OVER THOSE CANS!

Cubs Bless Dugout, Still Lose Game One

Lets. Go. Dodgers.

Here we are, Dodgers.

Looking back, I haven’t written much about you this season, primarily because you’re not in the NFL, but before our historic playoff run begins today lets get up to speed.

So how the fuck did we get here?

Because Manny's stats are split, you can't quite tell how amazing he's been this year: 37 homers, 121 RBIs, .332 average. And with the splits, in Los Angeles in 53 games, he hit nearly .400 and slugged .743, which, if extended to a whole season, would be the 14th best mark of all time. That is to say: he's hotter right now than he has ever been.

Obviously, Manny's explosion is the main reason the Dodgers took off in the second half, but another factor was Jeff Kent, seen here.

The injury to Kent forced Joe Torre to finally take him out of the lineup. I think this allowed the young hitters (Ethier, Kemp, etc) to benefit from Manny's presence, allowing him to become the team's true leader.

As happy as everyone is to see such a friendly, amiable guy like Jeff Kent get one last postseason run, I gotta say it worries me that’s Kent is back in the lineup. The Dodgers have been doing fine. DON’T FUCK IT UP, KENT.

Series Schedule:

Game 1: Wednesday, October 1, 3:30 p.m. Los Angeles (Lowe) at Chicago (Dempster).
Game 2: Thursday, October 2, 6:30 p.m. Los Angeles (Billingsley) at Chicago (Zambrano).
Game 3: Saturday, October 4, 7 p.m. Chicago (Harden) at Los Angeles (Kuroda).
Game 4 (if necessary): Sunday, October 5, TBA. Chicago at Los Angeles.
Game 5 (if necessary): Tuesday, October 7, TBA. Los Angeles at Chicago.

Go Dodgers.

Fuck You Arizona

Fuck you Arizona. While we're at it, an early fuck you to Oregon, USC, ASU, WSU, UW, Stanford, and Cal because we're going to lose to all of them.

But a special fuck you to Oregon and Arizona. At least we still have mongolian bbq and buck fittys. USC are the ones who are the ball lickers.

How many cups can you put on a drunk man's head?

Worst things to happen to UCLA football

Being a UCLA fan is like being married to recovering meth-addict with the willpower of a 10 year old. Fuck.

Saturday's loss was painful for one reason only: The Tennessee game. Any Bruin fan knew this year was going to be ugly, but then Rick goes and gets our hopes up by knocking off a ranked SEC team in the opener. Without that win, 59-0 would be easier to accept.

Top most painful UCLA losses all time (my fanhood only dates to 1988).

10. Brian Poli-Dixon quits in 2001.

9. Skip Hicks blows out his knee, again.

8. Sharmon Shah changes his name to Karim Abdul-Jabbar and wears number #33. I mean, c'mon dude, I'm pretty sure Allah knew that UCLA had already produced a famous KA-J wearing 33 when he "told" you to take that name. That's borderline identity theft.

7. 1990, Tommy Maddox loses to Todd Marinovich, 45-42. This game sucked for two reasons: 1) UCLA lost 2) Tommy Maddox thought he could play and turned pro too early. Imagine another 3 years with Tommy and the difference it could have made.

6. 1989, 10-10 tie with USC. Worse than kissing your sister. Way worse.

5. Karl Dorrell. The damage done by this man will not be fully realized for another ten years.

4. Arizona wins 52-9 in 2005, ruining a 10-0 start. This one should be #1. It pissed me off so bad I wanted to throw a puppy off the roof. Arizona sucked that year and we lost 52-9. Unreal.

3. 1988, #1 UCLA with Aikman at QB goes into Pullman and loses to goddamn Washington State 34-30, then followed it up by losing to USC 6 weeks later in the Aikman-Peete shootout.

2. USC outscores UCLA 285-138 from 1999-2005.

1. 1998, #2 UCLA has to play Miami in a hurricane-rescheduled game in Miami in December. Butch Davis had finally managed to buy enough players by this time and Edge James ran for 299 yards in the season finale, ruining a BCS bid and the season.

The Mother of All Inventions

When the Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator went online earlier this week, it dawned on me that humankind has finally reached its intellectual zenith. We are now wresting away the closely-held secrets of creation itself. Every major invention that will ever be produced has now been accomplished. Sure, there may be some minor fine-tuning of existing technologies as we move forward. But as far as new discoveries go, mankind is now on the downwar...



HOLY CRAP, A FLOATING BEER PONG TABLE!!!!

Truly, this is an age of endless wonders.

Beer Goggles

Take A Moment To Remember

Pardon the interruption from the seldomly posted articles, but I want to remind everyone take a little break today to recognize the 3000 innocent people who were killed seven years ago, all because some dark souls hate and fear America.

I won’t prattle on about patriotism and all that. But I think it’s important to periodically run our fingers over our scars, to remember the events that made us what we are.

So tonight on TV when those names getting read at ground zero, don’t change the channel. Don’t roll your eyes and ask why they’re doing it again this year. Go ahead and sit through a little bit of it. Remember what those names mean, the sheer volume of them, how many lives each one touched.

Keep in mind how you felt that day and that there are much bigger things that deserve our attention every now and again.

Morning Wood

Gov. Sarah Palin

The Cheerleader Monopoly In LA Is Officially Over

It's one thing for UCLA to win. Quite another for the winning coach to take the mic and verbally disembowel the losing team before they've even been able to leave the stadium after an overtime game. Rick Neuheisel pulled it off. And I'm not even a UCLA fan, but I gotta say, I loved it.

Immediately after the speech, I could hear UCLA setting off fireworks for twenty minutes from my house. I kept picturing all the disoriented Tennessee fans wandering around in the dark trying to figure out how to get back to their hotel while contemplating throwing themselves off the Colorado Street bridge. Anyway, congrats to UCLA.

But especially to the UCLA's cheerleaders: your hotness knows no bounds. I think at least its safe to say that the cheerleader monopoly in Los Angeles IS offically over.

They should have used the UCLA cheerleaders instead of Neuheisel in that L.A. Times ad calling out the Trojans. They could have called out USC's song girls. Then we'd all be winners.

Lets examine...

Just When You Thought Gymnastics Could Not Get Any Creepier

My office today

I've decided (after drinking 15 cocktails at the Giants game last night) that today would be a good day not to work. I had my secretary send me this photo of the office in my absence (actually it looks like this when I'm there, too.)

Beijing Power Rankings

From The Offices of Chairman Mao Zedong:

Greetings, roundeye! The Glorious Communist Party of Chairman Mao has eagerly awaited these Games of the 2008 Summer Olympiad. Our preparations for the Games are now complete. We’d just like to let you know that 4 million construction workers DEFINITELY DID NOT DIE during the construction of the Bird’s Nest. Those cries and shrieks you hear from countless mothers and fathers as you walk down the street are not from grief. They are simply overwhelmed about the fact that the Games has arrived at long last.

To further prepare you for the Games, we present to you the 2008 Beijing Olympic Power Rankings.

1. Zhang Ziyi: Obviously.

2. Chinese Food: Looking for those little lettuce cups with ground chicken and stuff in them? We don’t do lettuce cups. And if you make one more joke about us eating dogs, we will place you in a doorless room for 70 years. We don’t eat dog. Usually. But the Peking horse is AMAZING.

3. Pollution: The Communist Party has formally declared Beijing air 100% safe to inhale. However, during peak traffic hours, we kindly suggest you cover your mouth, nostrils, and exposed skin pores. For a visual example of how to dress to avoid pollution, please consult this Megadeth album cover.

4. Spitting: Please rid your body of all saliva by spitting whenever possible. Spitting is welcomed everywhere: on sidewalks, on protesters, on political prisoners, on religious pamphlets, etc.

5. Smoking: If you cannot find a fresh pack of delicious Marlboros to smoke, please let us know! There are American tobacco company representatives all over our nation, ready out hand out complimentary cigarettes any time you wish.

6. Burning Monks: If you wish to burn a monk to death, you do not need a permit. If the monk is not willing to self-immolate, simply douse him with kerosene and light him aflame using one of the complimentary cigarettes provided to you. If you see a burning monk on the sidewalk, PLEASE DO NOT PUT HIM OUT. He’s supposed to be burning. Thank you.

7. Prostitution: If you would like a prostitute, please look for the refugee North Koreans or Vietnamese girls who have been sold into slavery. To the untrained Western eye, these look just like Chinese women who dress up like prostitutes

8. Child Slavery: If you wish to hire a child for factory work, you must first file a formal request to our Child Slavery Office.

9. Dead Bodies: Please ignore them.

10. Speaking: Please do not speak unless directed to do so. If you do speak out loud, please note that the Communist Party has the right to ship you out to one of our many lovely labor barges.


Lastly, please do not cheer for your respective nations during the Games. This is our time to shine. We’re gonna win everything anyway. We had the Office Of Human Engineering take care of that.

These Olympics represent a new age for China in the world. They also represent a chance for NBC to gloss over any and all atrocities perpetrated by the Communist Party. So please enjoy them. Or else you will hear a knock on your door in the middle of the night, and then you will never be heard from again.

Sincerely,
Chairman Mao

NFL Code of Conduct

I’m married with a kid. If you happen to be in a similar predicament, you know that being married with kids acts as a giant Dyson vacuum cleaner on your free time. You have to go to work. You have to do chores. You have to pay taxes. You have to do housework. You have to dress the kid, change the kid, feed the kid, keep the kid occupied, take the kid out, and if you’re lucky you can find three free seconds to go quietly masturbate in the bathroom.

And at the end of the day, when you’ve finally managed to do all your goddamn shit, just as you’re ready to breathe a sigh of relief and begin the cathartic movement of lowering your ass onto the couch, it is AUTOMATIC that your wife will say to you:

“Wait, before you sit down, can you help fold the laundry?”

God. Fucking. Dammit.

The reality is that as you grow older, you end up not having as much time for sports as you used to. If you’re married, especially with kids, your life becomes a timeshare. Everyone gets to rent your sorry ass out for a few hours. Sometimes, watching the game gets sacrificed. It happens to the best of us. All men are forced to grow up at some point, and we all resent having to do so.

Now, maybe you’re some pompous asshole and you’re all like, “Well, I don’t know what YOU’RE talking about. My lady lets me watch whatever I want whenever I want. Guess I’m just not as big of a pushover as you are.” Well, congratulations fucko: your lady is fucking another man right now. Don't wait up.

Normal guys recognize that relationships, though they may cost you a few games, are well worth the time put in. So, over the years, I’ve performed a sort of sports triage in my life, evaluating which sports and which games ABSOLUTELY MUST BE SEEN AT ALL COSTS. Now, in my case, this means every game of the NFL season, back to front. But I can’t simply tell my wife, once September arrives, “Hey lady, I’m watching 12 hours of games each week. You’re on your own, toots!” You get your dick slammed in the sock drawer if you do that.

No, no, no. I have to INVEST time, in order to gain the sufficient number of unofficial credits necessary to be able to freely watch my shit. The NFL offseason is not a time of rest. No, I use the offseason to amass the pile of goodwill that would make any woman putty in my small, hairy hands. And you can do it too.

So I have devised the following NFL Code of Conduct calculator, assigning a time value to certain acts of chivalry that, when sufficiently accumulated in multiple quantities, will give you a valid excuse to spend the season watching football. Now, this isn’t basic shit, like taking out the trash or doing the dishes. Those don’t count. Your wife already EXPECTS you to help with that stuff, which is total bullshit. Alas. You gotta go above and beyond the call of duty. Take it from someone who’s got experience being the greatest husband in the universe: Follow the code of conduct, and find your way to FREEDOM!

NOTE: If you have a wife who enjoys watching football with you, use this calculator as a subtle way of building up points so that you can watch games out with your friends, thus weaseling out of having to watch games with her. Because watching football with women is fucking annoying. Sorry ladies.

+2 HOURS WATCHING THE NFL: Stealing Gossip Magazines From The Doctor’s Office. If your wife is like mine, she has far too much dignity to actually buy gossip magazines or subscribe to them. But if one were to, oh I don’t know, pilfer 12 issues of US Weekly from a waiting room and bring them home, no woman can possibly resist. Finding your wife something to read works wonders, because while she’s reading, you can watch whatever the fuck you want. I wish US Weekly were written by goddamn Tolstoy.

+6 HOURS: Taking Your Kid(s) Out For A Full Morning Or Afternoon By Yourself. If all mothers have one thing in common, it’s the belief that no one else could possibly take care of their kid as well as they can. So when I take my kid out for three hours one morning or afternoon, then bring the kid home, and the kid hasn’t been shredded by an escalator, my wife is always amazed.

Caution: One time I took my kid out for a full morning. Then I brought her back and asked my wife what she did. “Oh, I cleaned the house.” DAMN YOU, WOMAN! She negated my fucking brownie points!

+1 HOUR: Doing Some Random Chore Without Her Having To Ask. Women hate it when you don’t do stuff. But what they hate even MORE is having to ask you time and time again to do the same shit. Well ladies, the reason we don’t do it without being asked is because we hope one day, you’ll just give up and start doing it yourself. But you never do. You never, ever do.

Cook and clean without asking, and you’ve got yourself a happy lady. Be sure to boast about it in a casual manner that doesn’t sound like you’re boasting about it.

Her: Hey can you do the…

You: …The dishes? Oh, I did those already. And I dried the pots and put them away too. I’M BATMAN.

+EQUIVALENT TIME SPENT: Watching Her Favorite TV Show/Movie With Her. I like to make a big deal out of this. I say to my wife, “Oh, you’re show’s on tonight, honey! Don’t forget!” I call it “your show” instead of “The Hills,” because acknowledging that I know it’s called ”The Hills” would make me queer.

My wife also likes “Project Runway.” I too enjoy this show. Heidi Klum plus skinny models makes for good viewing. But I have to pretend that I DON’T like it, so that it appears I’m sacrificing my precious time to watch it with her.

-1 HOUR: Making Her Watch An Episode Of Ice Road Truckers. But I love this fucking show, so its worth it.

+6 HOURS: Completing Some Sort Of Godforsaken House Project.

+12 HOURS: Fixing Something Without Having To Call A Service To Do It.

+4 HOURS: Going Out On A Dinner Date Where The Wives Are Friends But The Husbands Have Little Or Nothing In Common. Hey, Frank. Do you like the NFL? No? I’m just gonna spend the rest of the dinner in the bathroom, if you don’t mind.

+36 HOURS: Not Being A Weekend Golfer. I play golf only during the week, and try not to mention anything about it to the wife. I also enjoy my reminding her time and time again that hey, I’m not one of those country club assholes who heads out to the golf course every weekend during the summer. Aren’t I awesome?

+0 HOURS: Being In A Fantasy Football League Then Telling Your Wife You Have To Watch Football Because It's Your Job. Yeah, this logic really never works. This is usually when I get the "You love that computer more than you love your family" lecture.

-10 HOURS: Finishing All The Organic Cookies Without Offering Her Any. Well, if you wanted some, you should have spoken up, lady!


This calculator is but an initial guideline, but it should at least get you started…
Good luck.

Starring Brett Favre as Lloyd Dobler

Your 2008 College Football Calendar

Aug. 5: UCLA 1st practice. The Neuheisel era begins.

Aug. 10: USC first practice in pads. Rey Maualuga to conduct freshman-orientation drills.

Aug. 30: USC opens season at Virgina.

Sept. 1: Tennessee at UCLA. Norm Chow calls his first plays in Westwood.

Sept. 13: Ohio State at USC. Holy shit, this is fucking huge.

Sept. 20: Georgia at Arizona State. Best chance for ASU to make a national statement since 1996.

Oct. 11: Texas at Oklahoma.

Oct. 12: First release of weekly BCS standings. Let the bitching and moaning begin. (Also Patriots vs. Chargers at Qualcomm. This is going to be a good day.)

Nov. 1: Florida vs. Georgia. I've actually been to one of these games in Jacksonville when I was about 10 years old. Honestly, this rivalry makes SC/UCLA look like women's gymnastics.

Nov. 22: Michigan at Ohio State.

Dec. 6: USC at UCLA. Carroll vs. Chow.

Dec. 7: Final BCS standings. Let the unveiling of eight-team NCAA playoff plans begin.

Dec. 13: Heisman ceremony.

Jan. 1: The Rose Bowl.

Jan. 8: BCS championship game in Miami.

Fantasy Football Team Names

With the season FINALLY approaching, it's time once again for one of my favorite activities, coming up with team names.

The truth is, I suck at naming fantasy teams. Every year I come up with a fantasy team name I really think I like, yet every year I discover a myriad other team names that put mine to shame. And this is disappointing as 90% of the joy I derive from fantasy football comes from naming my team.

Of course this year the pressure is even higher to come up with an acceptable team name because Wallace has joined in the fun. Now I get 5 emails a day of the funniest damn names I’ve every heard of.

There are no real rules to coming up with a fantasy team name. They tend to fall into categories: sports references, movie/tv references, porn references, and totally meaningless references. Names can overlap categories, of course. For this exercise, let’s try to tackle these one by one. It’s a fantasy name brainstorming session! Actually, since we’re dealing with my brain, it’s more of a brainfogging session.

Sports Names: According to Rotoworld, the most popular fantasy team name in 2008 is "Consensual Horseplay". This is surprising not only because its a shitty name, but because it has nothing to do with football. Here are some examples of sports related names...

Brady’s Bastards
Limp Ditkas
4th and Schlong
Yoko Romo
Pan Down For Reggie Bush
Weekend at Bernie Kozar’s
2:00 Drill With Your Mom
The Vanderjagoffs
Body By Mangini
Its My Vick In A Box
1-800-Vinny-Testaverde
Joe Theismann’s Leg
Fuck You Brett Favre

Movie/TV Names: Movie references are not only great for helping with team logos but also allow for clever cross-references with sports. For example, no one can resist some kind of tribute to this photo:
The first thing that pops in your head? Greg Marmalard from Animal House.

But wait, just a few minutes of photoshop and, presto...
The Batman reference, while tired, is extremely fitting. Here are some other options...

The Mitch Cumsteins
Tremendous Slouches
Maverick Killed Goose
Nudie Magazine Day
Ludicrous Speed
Fargin Bastages
Cush-lash
Poncharello’s Camero
Johnny Lawrence’s Cobra Kai
Ringwald's Panties
Mr. Sinilindins

Dirty/Porn Names: Dirty names never get old because their dirty. Although they're unusable for a yahoo! league. Let's examine...

Banger In The Mouth
The Cockblockers
Camel Turf Toe
Smelly Pirate Hookers
Atomic Donkey Punch
Horse Semen
Gaza Striptease
My Hot Babysitter Raped Me
Ass To Mouth
Mouthful Of Comeuppance
Burning Sensations
Suspicious Cream
Pole Position
The Ballslappers

Random Names: Freed from the above confining genre names, random names allow you to come up with even more shitty names having nothing to do with much of anything...

Fistful of Lubriderm
Punchbowl Turds
Midget Tossers
Go Fuck Yourself
God. Fucking. Dammit. I’m. Married.
I Have $12/hr Reasons To Live
Daddy Needs A Time Out
I Wear Makeup Because Daddy Hates Me
Fuck This Bullshit
Private School Homos
Unabashed Arrogance
Hostile Combovers
Flanagan Talked Me Into It Again


Now none of these above are very good. In fact, most are terrible. But fantasy names are in the eye of the beholder. For example, I might prefer Smelly Pirate Hookers while Wallace would obviously like Horse Semen. Regardless, the important thing is that YOU like the name you pick. After all, you're the only asshole on Earth who cares about it.

At least until Week 7 when Ronnie Brown tears his ACL.